Boy Talk- Part Two: Flat earth and Multiple Arseholes

Monday morning.

Dave’s been at work since 6:45 A.M. It’s now 11.oo and he’s sneaked out for a crafty fag and a little bit of me time. He’s barely had two puffs when he hears a loud voice shout ‘Dude.’

Tommy is bounding down the road towards him, waving. His eyes are wide and he looks like he’s been sleeping in the same clothes for a week.

‘Massive paradigm shift.’ he shouts as he runs right into the path of an oncoming car that has to pull of an emergency stop-brakes squealing.

The driver, a woman in her thirties, winds down her window to give Tommy some shit. Tommy hurls back some obscenities of his own and the woman drives off shaking her head.

‘Mate,’ says Dave, ‘Did you just call her a fucking lizard?’

Tommy nods, then, gasping, puts his hands on his knees and sucks air. ‘Whoa, head rush.’

Dave glances at his watch and crushes his fag against the wall: ‘Shit, is that the time? I’d better go.’

‘Wait. This is like, important.’

‘I have to get back to work.’

‘Two secs. I’m about to blow your mind mate. Seriously. This is Like. ‘Fucking. Huuuuuge.’

Dave frowns, ‘Dude, are you, like, pilling?’

‘What? No. I mean yeah I had half a tab. So what?’

‘Mate, it’s not even afternoon.’

‘So? Just fucking listen,’ Tommy leans in close. His pupils are so enormous they have sucked all the colour from his eyes, ‘Dude. The earth is flat.’

There is a pause as his words hang in the air.


‘Right. It’s fucked up isn’t it? Like, at first you’re head just can’t get a hold of it, but then you think about it and it just all makes sense. Like how the fuck can the earth be a ball, we’d all fall off.’

‘Gravity mate.’

‘No such fucking thing. It’s all bollocks. Dude, you have to watch this youtube video-’ Tommy wrenches his phone from his pocket and jabs the screen, ‘Honestly, NASA are fucking evil. Just watch this. Aw, what the fuck? It’s been removed-’

Tommy’s jaw drops. He stares hard at Dave, then says,‘That proves it. You see? They don’t want us to watch it.’

‘What, NASA?’

‘Nah. They’re just fucking puppets. The New world order.’


‘The Illuminati, dude. Come on. They’re controlling everything. It’s like a massive conspiracy. Gravity, space, all that shit, lies. Bull shit. It’s all faked mate. Propaganda so they can control us. They’re sick mate.’

‘Ah huh.’

‘Don’t look at me like that. You just need to watch these videos they explain everything.’

‘You tube videos.’


‘Dude. I saw a youtube video once by this plastic surgeon guy who said that Taylor Swift had done so much anal he had to build her a new arsehole.’

Tommy blinks. Scowls. Says, ‘So? What the fuck? Dude, I’ve done months on research on this. Seriously. It’s like the biggest cospiracy ever. Man this shit is so massive it makes 9/11 look like-‘

‘Not a conspiracy?’

‘Right. No. Why are you being a prick?’

‘Mate, the earth is not flat.’

Tommy puts a hand on Dave’s shoulder: ‘Okay. Dude, you’re suffering from cognitive dissonance. That’s understandable. It’s a big paradigm to shift. Just watch these videos.’

‘I have to go mate.’

‘Five minutes.’

‘I have to get back to work.’

‘What in there? Fuck them, they’re part of it. The fucking elite mate.’

‘Dude, I work in Poundland.’

‘Third degree Masons, the lot of them.’

‘I’m going.’

‘Okay. I’ll send you the links on messenger.’

‘Please don’t.’

‘Open you eyes Dave. Get out of the Matrix before it’s too late.’

‘Bye Tommy.’